Lost Among Stars
by falseking
Summary: Evil never sleeps and neither does Shepard. She's haunted by her past and the possible end of the galaxy and during her rare and weak moments, she's grateful for the company. FemShep/Garrus. Strictly friendship. Mentions of Femshep/Kaidan romance.


Commander Ellie Shepard is a few things.

Shepard is brave-facing down the most vile things without hesitation. Shepard is selfless-if someone calls, she was there as quickly as the Normandy could fly. Regardless of the current mission at hand. Shepard is a lover-wearing a heart on her sleeve but a finger on the trigger as she is a soldier. Shepard is as light as a feather despite her heavy armor. She moves with the wind and her war cries sound like the thunder that shakes your bones. She is power. Shepard is a legend much to her dislike, though handles it with grace, knowing they have eyes on her.

Shepard is a comedian-or, tries to be, at least. Things can get tense and though the crew knows what awaits them, she can't help but try to lift the weight. To ease the mood. To do her best to help them sleep. They are her responsibility, after all. Shepard is a little awkward in the more normal moments. When the quiet settles in, she can't help but try to fill it with dumb jokes. Jack and Grunt rarely appreciate it. Jacob snickers once in awhile-shaking his head and making some smart comment. Joker loves to watch his Commander struggle. Having been at her side the longest, he feels he knows her best. He senses when she's about to say something ridiculous and leans in, waiting with anticipation with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Commander Ellie Shepard is..a lot of things.

She is an orphan.

With such a busy schedule, she doesn't think about it often but that doesn't change the fact that someone never tried to claim her. When the thought does dance by, she wonders what would have become of her, or the galaxy, if she had been kept at her mothers side. Maybe Soveriegn would have won. The thought makes her nauseous, so she doesn't dwell on it.

But, I suppose coming home to a family for the holidays would have been nice.

Shepard is sleep deprived. She's kept awake at "night" by the many faces of the ones she's killed, friend or foe. The reminder that she's the one who ended Ashley life and when she closes her eyes she can't hide from what's been lingering in the back of her mind. She hears their pain. She sees them die on repeat and having already lived it once, she's not eager to see it again. So she remains awake, staring out the large window of the observation deck, getting lost in the stars as the Normandy is set on a gentle cruise. Gliding through the galaxy like a blade against paper.

Chakwas calls it PTSD and even though she knows it's real, she can't help but frown at the thought. Commander Ellie Shepard with post traumatic stress? Not possible. But not unheard of in this sort of business. Shepard is supposed to be mentally and physically at her best. Cerberus didn't spend all of that money on her just to have her fall apart.

But despite all of her new parts - Shepard is human.

She feels the ache in her bones from the previous mission. The hunger in her stomach from a lost appetite. She sees the evidence of exhaustion in her eyes and she knows they've noticed as well. All too polite to say anything to her, though. She's less happy these days. Thinking about how her last act of selflessness costed her her life. She doesn't remember the fall so she assumes she was unconscious through most of it but she's seen the scans of what was left of her. Nothing. Her suit was the only thing that held her together yet here she was with only new scars as evidence.

She was happy to save Joker. She wouldn't have done it differently. Even on the days where he's at his absolute worst and can't keep his mouth shut. And though she was thrilled to breathe again - to travel and see new places, she can't help but wish they had just left her. Being Shepard was..tiring and when she died, she was finally able to rest and leave the problems of the galaxy for someone else. Though it was doubtful they'd do it the Shepard way. Which is what everyone insisted had made her this legend.

Coming back and knowing she had vanished from the world for years was difficult. Knowing she had left her crew-her friends in such a distraught state. Knowing Kaidan would have..moved on. Or worse, died, leaving her to exist without him at her side.

To her relief, if that's what you could call it - Kaidan was alive. The reunion was perfect at first. They embraced and with his touch, though it was through armor, she finally felt the breath of life fill her. But the happy didn't last long. He didn't trust her and turned away, leaving her empty again. The letter he sent days after only provided the smallest wave of comfort. He didn't hate her. He didn't have the strength but he was weary of Cerberus and her involvement. She didn't blame him, but wasn't about to put them on her list of enemies when they had basically given her life again.

And despite being surrounded by a much larger crew than last time with a few familiar faces, she couldn't help but feel completely alone, especially as new evidence made its way to the surface that made her trust the Illusive Man less and less and all she wants is to hear Kaidan say, "I told you so" and allow her to lean against him.

Shepard is a soldier and has no time to cry over the things that can't be changed. But sometimes it sneaks up on her.

She sits on the long stretch of sofa, head hung low, forehead against knees as her legs pressed to her reconstructed chest, arms wrapped around to keep them in place. She didn't have to work hard to let it go. The tears simply came. The dam had broken. Everything that has been bottled up for years was finally coming to the surface. It was like a tidal wave crashing into her, threatening to knock her down and sweep her away.

Shepard was also logical. She knew once she was at this stage, she would feel lighter. Maybe not necessarily happier but she would be able to face it all again with her confident sway. She just had to get there.

In the silence, a few clicks could be heard as the door began to unlock itself. The door slid open seconds later, causing her to whip her head around, startled as she came face to face with her turian friend.

"I have some interesting news, Commander. I-" he paused as he caught the sight of her. She's never looked so broken and it took him by surprise. This was not the woman he remembered. He remembers her fearless and strong. She never wavered and always had a march rather than just a casual walk.

She sniffed. It was the least graceful thing to hear as she wiped her tears with the back of her sleeve.

"Oh, Shepard," he said,barely above a whisper.

The two of them were beyond the point of formalities by now. So she didn't bother correcting him, nor did she care to in this moment.

"What's the matter, Garrus? Never seen a human have a breakdown?" She said with a weak smile. She looked absolutely empty.

"Yes, actually, I have. You, on the other hand,"

He began to make his way over. Slowly, cautious of his Commander - his friend, not wanting to worsen her state by his closeness. His studies have shown that in times like this, some humans prefer to wallow on their own while others seek company. He was unsure of which she was.

"Do you mind if I..?" She gave a lame shrug, turning to face the window once more and allowing her legs to fall back to the floor. Her response left him puzzled. It was not a yes or a no so he continued to approach with ease. She either didn't care or was too stubborn to ask for help. Either way, he wanted to show her that he was there for her.

He sat with her. Examining her as his fingers awkwardly moved over his knees.

Eyes red and puffy, shoulders slouched and a swollen lower lip from her clamping down on it, trying to hold it together. This was definitely not the woman he knew and that frightened him.

They sat for a moment in total silence. He tried to look towards the stars but always came back to her, curious as to what could have happened to break her in such a way.

Every glance he took at her, completely speechless, he noticed she would get progressively worse.

Her lips would tremble, nose growing red and eyes glossy. She would try to fight it by looking up to the dark ceiling, blinking it away and taking deep breaths. But nothing worked. The wall had fallen and needed time to be rebuilt.

Garrus wasn't too experienced with interacting with a human under such distress, but he has done the homework. He had prepared himself after knowing he was to be aboard a ship with many other humans.

He slid over until their thighs touched, half expecting her to swat him away but she remained still. The turian then gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her tired body against him. It was a little uncomfortable for her as his armor was nothing close to soothing, but the gesture was greatly appreciated.

She buckled.

The sobs came without shame and her friend only held her tighter, resting his cheek on the top of her head and letting her release the sorrows.

"D-don't-don't leave me, Garrus," She mumbled. "You can't-you-you and Tali-" She paused, doing all she could to recollect herself and Garrus waited patiently.

"You're all I have left."

The statement was entirely untrue, Garrus knew this. The ship was full of people ready to fight for her. Him and Tali weren't the only two she had.

But Garrus also knew that everyone else had left. The ones who fought with her in the beginning. The ones who understood her the best.

Kaidan had left and showed no signs of returning as far as Garrus knew. His distrust in Shepard had taken everyone by surprise, given their past. He would have flown to any planet in any galaxy with her but not this time.

"We're not going anywhere," he replied without hesitation.

"But you-I could get you killed. You should go home-" "This is our home, Shepard. You are our family. If we felt differently, we wouldn't have followed you this far. And besides, if we weren't here, who's to say that you'd defeat The Collectors? You need us just as much as we need you."

Garrus wasn't sure if she believed his words. She merely nodded and continued to cry. Her tears falling, running down his rough armor, sinking into the cracks, never to be removed.

A memory of this moment to live on forever.

Commander Ellie Shepard is exhausted.

She pours her heart out in not so many words, letting the wetness on her cheeks speak for her. She's grateful when it stops, left in a haze as sleep overcomes her, leaving her limp in her friends arms. He knows she's long gone, but remains seated for a few more moments, simply watching the stars and thanking them for giving him Shepard. If it wasn't for her, he'd be stuck at C-Sec, living a fairly boring life, making little to no difference. With her, he accomplished more than he could have ever hoped for.

Carefully, he moved and to his surprise, she didn't react when he picked her up, carrying her bridal style.

He had never imagined either of them in this situation, but he didn't mind.

He began the short journey to her quarters, thankful that it was late and the crew had been fast asleep. No one to start gossip, no one to judge her, to question her health.

He entered her room, pausing for a moment to examine the large tank filled with fish. She didn't even like fish. She claimed they were pointless pets but continued to purchase them nonetheless. She said they were beautiful. They were a good distraction.

Didn't change the fact that she didn't like them.

He laid her in the neatly made bed, fully clothed, safe for her boots which he removed with gentle touches. As she was laying on top of her only blankets and he didn't have the heart to disturb her, he simply grabbed her jacket which had been thrown over the back of her chair and laid it over her torso. Though she wasn't awake, she grabbed the fabric, pulling it close and rolling to her side, causing the entire thing to fall.

But it was still in her hands, that's what was important.

The turian chuckled, shaking his head before turning and making his way out. His friend was finally at peace and now, he too could rest.


End file.
